Finding His Way Back Home
by InMySoul
Summary: You wouldn't know that the bloody knuckles were from him pounding against a wall as he sobbed, trying to vain to get those damn voices out of his head. Those voices who whispered in his ears that he was a waste of space, worthless. That he should be dead and gone like the rest of his family. And just make the fucking voices go away because he was going insane. Malec, AU
1. Chapter 1: The Lonely Boy

**I don't know I wrote this at four AM and I want to write more because asdfghjkl I love this headcanon**

If you looked at Alec Lightwood you'd see a tall dark boy on the cusp of being a man. You would see the tattoos covering his arms, chest and neck like a sweater, the numerous piercings and the cold look in his eyes.

And you would want to stay away, Because you would see another violent kid who was going to die young in some stupid way.

But you didn't know that he had the tattoos to cover the burn scars adorning his body because the other kids had always made fun of him. That the burning angel on his back was his little brother, not some morbid shock factor.

You don't know that the piercings all started when a foster had in punishment, stabbed a knife into his ear and he did the other one in gages to cover up the fact because he didn't want to be taken away again.

What you wouldn't know is that the bloody knuckles were from him pounding against a wall as he sobbed, trying to vain to get those damn _voices_ out of his head. Those voices who whispered in his ears that he was a waste of space, worthless. That he should be dead and gone like the rest of his family. And just _make the fucking voices go away_ _because he was going insane_.

You would see the black eye and split lip and dismiss as some fight that he should have avoided.

You wouldn't know it was from jumping in front of one of the younger foster kids to protect them from a fist.

You wouldn't know that instead of loving a good fight, a raised hand made Alexander Lightwood tremble and cower like a small child.

You wouldn't know that when the shouting and the screams and the violence got too bad, Alec would take a razor to his thighs - because he didn't want to ruin the tattoos because they were the _only_ thing pretty about him – and carve those words of hate into his skin.

You wouldn't know that he often cried during sex because he couldn't understand how his boyfriend could be so gentle and loving towards something so broken.

And when his boyfriend found those words and scars, he would kiss every one and Alec would sob until his throat was raw because he just _couldn't understand_ how someone as beautiful and perfect as Magnus could love worthless, ugly, stupid old him.

You wouldn't know that Alec was unable to be anywhere near a large flame without having a panic attack. That at a bonfire party he had nearly collapsed as the fear and panic overtook him until Magnus took him home and held him as he cried the entire night because he was so sorry _and he knew Magnus was looking forward to the party and he fucked everything up AGAIN._

You wouldn't know that the cross around his neck was not for looks but because he truly believed. That he had stopped praying when his family died.

And the first time he prayed in years was after getting off the phone with his boyfriend who had been talking him down from the bridge edge for four hours straight and to thank God for the angel he had sent to save him.

You wouldn't know that the next time they were together they _both_ cried until they fell asleep, curled in eachothers arms.

You wouldn't know that every time Alec begged Magnus for forgiveness for being such a burden. For being so weak and needy, that all Magnus said was "I love you"

And Alec would rest his head on Magnus's shoulder in relief because he needed that one person to believe in him and that he could get better.

That every time he called his boyfriend instead of picking up the razor, his boyfriends parting words were always 'I'm proud of you"

And Alexander Lightwood could not fathom how he had gained so much after losing everything.

But of course, you don't know any of this..

You would see a kid was going to get shot or stabbed or overdose on drugs and will die before twenty-five.

You would see someone lost in this world.

But you would be wrong.

Because yes, Alexander Lightwood may be lost, but he is finding his way home.

To caramel arms and cat eyes that made everything better and made all the pain go away.


	2. Chapter 2: Piercings

You might say Alec had a slight obsession with piercings.

And although he might blush and sputter, he couldn't exactly deny it.

Once, Magnus had asked just how many piercings Alec had and he had spent an entire afternoon showing him all and explaining what each one was.

Magnus, of course, felt the need to write everything down to prove that Alec had a serious problem.

The list was as follows.

Alexander Lightwoods List of Excessive (Yet incredibly sexy) Piercings

By Magnus Bane

On each of Alec's ears:

One Industrial Piercing per ear

One Helix per ear

One Rook on the left ear

One Daith Piercing on the right ear

One Snug Piercing per ear

One Tragus Piercing Per ear

One 11 mm Gage per ear

On Alec's Eyebrows:

Two hoops on the left eyebrow

One stud on the right eye

On the rest of Alec's face:

One Bridge

One Stud on the left nostril

Angel Bites

One Labret Piercing

Dolphin Bites

One Tongue stud

On the Rest of Alec's Body:

Dimple Piercings

Industrial piercings on both nipples

Industrial piercings on hips

In other words, as Magnus liked to say, Alec was a walking pincushion.

But teasing form his boyfriend aside, Alec's reason behind each pericing was the same.

It was to avoid taking a blade to his skin.

In fact, his first piercing was by complete accident, the result of a drunken foster coming at him with a knife and catching him in the ear.

Alec found that the pain as a welcome distraction and, as he did not want to be relocated again as he had started to make a few friends, he went to one for help and they piercing his other ear with a gage.

Thus began the saga.

Whenever Alec was too upset to handle a blade safely he would go to the local piercing shop and pick out a new one to avoid doing something he would truly regret.

He would find solace in the smell of cleaning alcohol and the sharp pain as the needle went through his flesh. The cold sting as another chunk of metal was fastened shut.

**This won't be a full story I don't think, just various little snippets of this AU I have. Unless you guys really want it…but we all know MY history of keeping with stories haha.**


	3. Chapter 3: Tattoos

A pair of hands pushed against 7 year old Alec Lightwoods bony shoulders, sending him sprawling into the dirt, skinning his jaw and hands.

"Hey _Freak_!"

Alec didn't do much more than tear up however, as used to the bullying as he was. He stood up slowly, pushing his glasses back in place and ignored the taunting voice behind him. The hands shoved him again, sending him back to his knees

"I was talking to you!" The voice behind him shouted.

A pair of white sketchers, the laces tied far too neatly to have been by the own child's hands. Alec was guessing he either had the teacher or his mother tie them for him.

Alec had learned to tie his shoes over two years ago.

He looked up at the sneering face of one of the boys in his class. He was obviously used to having everyone afraid of him and getting what he wanted.

A spoiled rich kid, Alec thought with contempt.

Of course, Alec had used to be one too, although never that mean.

"What's wrong with your skin freak?" The boy asked, his voice overly loud to gather the attention of everyone on the playground.

Alec flinched, deciding that staying on his knees was the best idea for the moment.

"N-nothing's wrong with my skin" he mumbled, his ears burning as he looked down at his arms splotched with shiny patches of skin from the burn scars.

" 'Course there's something wrong with your skin! Look at it. You look like a patchwork quilt!" The boy said, his friends snickering in agreement.

Alec's face turned bright scarlet and he swallowed against a lump in his throat "Th-they're burns" He finally said quietly, hoping the boys would just leave him alone and stop asking questions.

"Where'dya get them?"

Alec didn't respond and one of the other kids stomped on his fingers "Hey, He's talking to you freak! What are you stupid?"

Alec pressed his lips together against a whimper but didn't answer the question "Please let me go" He said, his young voice shaking slightly

The boys looked at each other for a moment before stepping back "Stay away from us. You're not normal and we don't want you and your freaky skin near us. People might think WE'RE freaks" The head boy said finally before walking away.

Alec waited until he was sure they weren't going to come back to torment him some more before standing up and brushing the dirt from his knees.

He examined his bleeding hands for a moment before going to the nurse, explaining that he had fallen down.

By ten years old Alec was used to the weird looks from adults and other kids alike. Used to people giving him a wide berth, not meeting his eyes and acting like he was stupid because he looked a little different.

He grew used to the names. Names like "Patchwork, Plastic-Skin, Fire Boy, Freddy Kreuger, and of course, the always favorite, Freak"

He started wearing sweaters even in the hottest weather to try and hide the scars and at 13 discovered that ink covered the burns well, starting a year long spree of getting every inch of his chest, back, neck and arms inked up.

The Fosters never cared and the parlors he went to didn't ask questions as long as you had the money.


End file.
